When giving a tour to prospective students, avoid the elevator in the Administration Building. Sure Seton Hill University (SHU) has some problems with vandalism and ruckus from time to time, but nothing would turn off a visiting family more than the languid pace of our feeble elevator. It’s an embarrassment to the school.
Old Yeller, as I refer to it, is quite possibly the slowest, most obtuse elevator I�ve ever entered. After checking the manufacturer’s paperwork, I wasn’tsurprised to see that it was actually built before the Egyptians invented the concept of �time.� Back then, it didn’tmatter that calling the elevator could turn into a 15-minute ordeal, because people were never late. Unfortunately, us modern folk are much smarter than the Egyptians and we have watches…so don’tuse the elevator.
By Mike Rubino,
Senior Staff Writer/Cartoonist
When giving a tour to prospective students, avoid the elevator in the Administration Building. Sure Seton Hill University (SHU) has some problems with vandalism and ruckus from time to time, but nothing would turn off a visiting family more than the languid pace of our feeble elevator. It’s an embarrassment to the school.
Old Yeller, as I refer to it, is quite possibly the slowest, most obtuse elevator I�ve ever entered. After checking the manufacturer’s paperwork, I wasn’tsurprised to see that it was actually built before the Egyptians invented the concept of �time.� Back then, it didn’tmatter that calling the elevator could turn into a 15-minute ordeal, because people were never late. Unfortunately, us modern folk are much smarter than the Egyptians and we have watches…so don’tuse the elevator.
Actually using the elevator will almost always cause you to be late (unless you show up 20 minutes prior to class). Calling the elevator is like having a sword fight in a pitch black banquet hall: it could be over very fast or take up most of your afternoon. There’s no telling how many people are already in the elevator, making sure it stops on every floor. And then, of course, there is the fact that the door takes a whole minute to close, except when someone runs up to the door and forces their way in, in which case it takes more like seven minutes to close. While all of this is happening, you�re still standing on the ground floor tapping your foot and staring at the orange call button.
There are a few ways in which we can actually speed up this whole elevator situation. Firstly, don’tbe lazy. While I don’texpect people to hike it up to the fifth floor of the Administration Building every morning, don’tbe the student that takes the elevator to go up one floor. A few stairs won’tkill you, and it will save the elevator for people who actually have to travel four and five floors. Also, don’tlet people run to catch the elevator as the door is closing. When you see this happening, and you�re actually on the elevator, just yell, �Tough luck, sucker!� and let the door close. Note that the �Close Door� button doesn’tactually work, so don’twaste your time pressing it.
Of course, the best solution to making the elevator work faster is to really treat it like Old Yeller…take it out back and shoot it. Scrap what we have now, change the gears, speed up the motors, and add some rockets. Something to make this whole system faster.
Conversely, you could also eliminate one of the floors of the Administration Building, making the entire building shorter, which means less people would rely on the elevator. While that idea is ultimately the more expensive of the two, it would ultimately make more sense for the future development of the school.
View this writer’s profile.