It is a common experience, in our own Lowe Dining Hall, to find yourself so perturbed at the behavior of others that you lose your appetite. Why is it that the dining hall becomes a place where common courtesy and manners are put to the wayside? Let us explore the most hideous antics and violations of basic politesse and etiquette. (Disclaimer: if you are easily disturbed or nauseated, perhaps now would be the time to turn the page.)
Chatty Cathies and Charlies – Whether you�re standing in line or sitting at your table of choice, the chatty Cathies and Charlies make their presences known. This is not just chitchat-the specimen, veliocistoma megas (trans: fast big mouth), behaves as though all in the local vicinity need to hear the conversation it is carrying on with another (hopefully quieter) individual.
By Karissa Kilgore,
Senior Staff Writer
It is a common experience, in our own Lowe Dining Hall, to find yourself so perturbed at the behavior of others that you lose your appetite. Why is it that the dining hall becomes a place where common courtesy and manners are put to the wayside? Let us explore the most hideous antics and violations of basic politesse and etiquette. (Disclaimer: if you are easily disturbed or nauseated, perhaps now would be the time to turn the page.)
Chatty Cathies and Charlies – Whether you�re standing in line or sitting at your table of choice, the chatty Cathies and Charlies make their presences known. This is not just chitchat-the specimen, veliocistoma megas (trans: fast big mouth), behaves as though all in the local vicinity need to hear the conversation it is carrying on with another (hopefully quieter) individual.
Islands of Spontaneously Stacked Equipment – This unique growth is native to the entrance of the dining hall, and usually emerges during the evening meal hours. Composed of mainly darkly colored, overstuffed sporting equipment bags, bagsoplenti arvensis (trans: numerous bags from the fields) seems to be capable of shape shifting. Bags sift down the sides of the enormous pile, due to mud or other organic moisture, and tend to threaten any human that dares to pass. The only defense humans have against this avalanche is to run and beg for mercy.
The Dig for the Mislaid Serving Utensil – A true test of your powers as a polite homo sapien (trans: human being), the utensilis infoodius (trans: utensil in food) is a virus that appears to affect only those that follow obnoxious jerkiousis (trans: obnoxious jerk) who insist on not putting serving utensils on the edge of the dish but, instead, right into the food. This is not only unsanitary for all, but is also rather unpleasant to place your hand into whatever delicacy you wish to consume. Digging a spoon out of buttery pierogies is just distasteful.
Quest for the Most Important Destination – Velociped importantus (trans: self-important swift-foot) is to be greatly feared. Of all the beasts in the dining hall jungle, velociped importantus takes no notice of anyone’s path of movement, for its brain can only handle neuron fires that pertain to its own destination.
If you see one moving towards you, your best bet is to throw yourself out of its path (if you can estimate where it is headed, which is sometimes impossible) and play dead. As long as the beast makes it to its destination, you won’thave to worry about being plowed into as though you weren’teven there.
The Unpushed-in Chair – A tradition perpetuated by obnoxious jerkiousis, the tetradactylus seatarum inyourwayori (trans: four-legged chair in your way) is the familiar sight of the dining room furniture strewn throughout the aisles making it all but impossible to walk through the room. Not only are things neater when tetradactylus seatarum inyourwayori is avoided, but if obnoxious jerkiousis would just learn to push in its chair then we�d all have a better time navigating the crowded dining quarters.
So take this guide for what it’s worth – if you see any of the beasts I�ve described, perhaps it’s time to squelch their fun, and put an end to the behaviors that are running rampant like misbehaved summer campers.
Maybe we need some friendly poachers to help correct the behavior of our dining hall jungle…it’s worth a thought, anyway.
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