This article is a satirical column. It uses fake quotes for the purpose of irony. The opinions expressed in the article do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editorial staff.
Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League (NFL), has stated that the singer and performer known as M.I.A. will be fined $50 billion for the obscene “flipping of the bird” during her Super Bowl cameo with Madonna. Many are calling Goodell’s measures a gross overstep of boundaries with no legal grounds.
Goodell said in a press conference, “I have to protect America’s values. I have to protect the shit out of them. Every year this game of testosterone-bound muscles colliding with insult and injury carries the heart of America, and every year the losing team goes home with less money and heavier tears. I won’t let obscenities stand in the way of our wars.”
Conservatives everywhere are praising Goodell’s thorough morality and are crying foul at M.I.A.’s blunt use of American sign language. Barbara Linsing, a mother of a five-year-old girl, wrote to NBC and the NFL to say, “All I think M.I.A. wants to do is bang, bang, bang – take our money… We should keep this filth off of the air and embrace wholesome entertainment such as Madonna.”
This year’s halftime show also featured a parade of half-naked men made shiny with cooking spray, mediocre sound and party rockers LMFAO. LMFAO is not an acronym for Laughing My Funny Abilities Off. It was all baked in the bright and dazzling light of what the game of football is really about.
But the halftime show isn’t the only incident spreading controversy. Ken Davies of Pittsburgh said, “Since my wife and I really didn’t care for the teams this year, we watched the Super Bowl for the commercials. I literally threw up my 15 bottles of Budweiser, half of a pizza, and a bag of barbeque chips over the image of a naked M&M on the screen. What some people think is alright is just downright disgusting. I mean, maybe if that M&M did sit-ups or something.” Davies went on to say, “At least there were several awesome movie previews with depictions of the entire world blowing up.”
Whatever the outcome, this year will be remembered for its spectacular displays of hard-hitting sportsmanship and vulgarity. It’ll be remembered for the dusting-off of another music icon so she could ride a backup dancer like a pony on the stage. And, it’ll be cherished for that all-American, sweet hypocrisy. Then again, it’ll probably be forgotten for other inane offerings and controversies.
Over 100 million viewers tuned in to see the Super Bowl. One of the teams won.